Confidence

 It's that time of the week again, blog time!

Well first things first. This Tuesday I returned to France, after a pretty incredible couple of weeks back in England. I know I insinuated heavily about 'how much I needed that break' before, but I will reiterate: how much I needed that break.

What's more, it enabled me to see all of my family AND extended family for a couple of weeks. If any of my relatives are reading this (including honorary relatives – Gilly!) please note that your presence was very much appreciated and for the most part of the Christmas break I was smiling, giggling, laughing until I had a stitch and occasionally 'dancing off' the endorphins.

(Wow. I attempted my best to make that sound sincere, but I guess some of you might be raising your eyebrows at me through the screen).

As for friends reading this, those of you who I saw over the Christmas break, your presence was equally as important and special. (For those of you I didn't see but who were in England nonetheless – fear not, you will suffer the full force of overexcited endorphins when I do finally see you again).

Now, my last post (before the previous) was all about “evaluating” the first part of the year abroad, with relation to all that's happened but also I spoke a bit about Paris and the suburbs, and how they are different worlds but that I'd 'found my feet' in both somehow.

If I'm honest, I wasn't dreading my return to Paris this Tuesday, but in the week leading up to it I admit that I was reflecting rather apprehensively on what is lying in store for the next part of this year. I mean, it has taken me an entire three months to work out how the trains work (conclusion: They Don't), get accustomed to Foreign Language Fear (something akin to culture shock) and acclimatising to this town that I live in (which is physically and metaphorically miles apart from the Martinique Dream I nurtured from the very beginning of this journey).

But one of the greatest things in the world happened, and I got a flatmate. The evening I returned I can't tell you how happy I felt when I was cooking dinner in my onesie and suddenly! Heard the key in the lock...and bam! My flatmate walked in and suddenly my entire evening was more sociable than almost every single evening I've had in this flat over the past three months.

This week, I've enjoyed sharing the space so much. The apartment could very well fit 3-4 people (I think more might instil serious Bathroom Wars) but seeing there was only ONE for such a long time, even TWO is a welcome number.

If I am honest, we made the decision to live together quite suddenly and without giving it much thought – a few hazy drinks for the worse at 4am in an Irish bar – but living with someone you don't know well can be a great experience. It gives you the opportunity to get to know someone much faster and personally than you otherwise would.

So that was exactly what we did. We bonded over yummy food, Spotify playlists, Youtube (thanks to INTERNET in the flat) and a couple of Toilet Traumas (our flush broke this week, but we found an innovative solution). And on Thursday evening, after my ballet class I got in late planning on 'an early night' as I was low on sleep...but then we ended up chatting over tea for 3 hours, culminating in a 'red wine, nail polish and Breakfast At Tiffany's dvd' soirée on the sofa.

Just like old times! (Not. But maybe one day we'll be able to say that).

I really have high hopes for this 'next semester' in France. Franchement, the first three months weren't hopeful, but now that things have turned around a bit and I've conquered the art of being self-sufficient, I am sure that this is going to be hard to give up come April time.

If I forget to tell myself this in the future, I am so glad to have had this experience working and living in France. Because not only has it been a good job (teaching) but it's been a good lesson in “How to Look After Yourself”. I don't mean just food, having internet and paying bills alone, I also mean looking after myself in other ways.

There's a lot of things that we twenty-something year olds don't 'get' about life until we have to experience bits of life itself. Friendships, relationships, responsibilities, and most importantly (in my opinion) being self-collected.

Being self-collected isn't just about knowing you've got good friendships, you can save your money or that you can do well in an exam if you study hard. I think that's what I thought it was about for I don't know? My whole life up til now?

Being self-collected is also about making sure that you are making the right decisions for yourself and knowing that these decisions make you in control of your own life. Being self-collected is also very much to do with being able to put yourself first when it's necessary (because if ever you end up somewhere unknown without a single familiar face to help you, it becomes vital to put yourself first).

But most importantly, self-collectedness is about being confident in every way possible. I can't express how important it is to build on your own confidence in every situation. Confidence isn't 'hey look at me I'm great' by the way, and it isn't 'hey look at me I look great' either.

...But hey. Looks like it worked pretty well for Daniel Craig...

Confidence is basically being self-collected. When you're confident, it has to come from yourself and it has to be about who you are as a person, otherwise everyone can tell you're not confident.

Usually people assume that loud, bossy, funny or extroverted people are the confident ones, but that's not true. Quiet, submissive, serious and introverted people can be just as confident – probably if you acknowledge the former without considering the latter, you aren't looking at what confidence is really all about.

I think that this year has taught me how to be confident in myself, whoever I am and whoever I turn out to be in the future.